Some days I get brave or stupid or delusional. A long time has gone by since I've braved a store with the kids alone. Months. They are currently 6,5,4 and 3 in July. The 6,5, and almost 3 all diagnosed with ASD, the 4 year old going through evaluations now.
I hate having to do all the shopping when my husband is home because then I don't see him. So, I decided to take them all to WalMart with a short list of stuff we needed. One of which was laundry soap and since I had 3 pee soaked beds this morning, buying that was a necessity.
I parked strategically and used the handicap pass that I have for Bradley, my 5 year old. This has made going out much less of a safety risk. I parked near the cart drop-off where I spotted the BIG cart, the one with 2 seats and the baby area in the front of the cart so I have the youngest 3 strapped in and the oldest on foot.
We started out good. Picked out some fruit and ice cream and started opening snacks. To note- we left with an empty box of cereal, an empty bag of goldfish and an open box of Strawberry Teddy Grahams (new flavor, big deal). I know that if I keep people eating than I can usually keep people happy, but I must move quickly. Bradley is quickly doing his current verbal stim, I know he is trying to deal with being there. We must also stop, pick up and fix misplaced items along the way because disorganization is unacceptable. If my kids ran that store, it would look much different.
We were almost done, doing the usual, counting the aisles as we see the signs with their numbers. Until the unthinkable happened... the number 8 was missing. What the hell, how you could you do that to me!?!? I'm working hard re-directing, offering other food options knowing my time is about out. We proceed to the front of the store and go by the seasonal stuff where all hell brakes loose. Bradley spots the American Flags and starts screaming about wanting one. No, we don't need a flag. They are the huge ones to hang on your house. I say no and keep going and he totally loses it in a level 10 meltdown. I've been through this before and I'll do it again, so I just keep moving towards the front of the store as it gets worse and worse, he is hitting me so much I can barely drive this massive cart and is kicking and hitting the younger kids because they are strapped in unfortunately close to him.
There are only a few lanes open, everyone is staring at us, he is going nuts, banging his head, thrashing in the cart and jumping as far as the seatbelt will allow which is shaking the whole cart and screaming American Flag over and over. I'm sure the people in the back in the electronics section heard it. People got in line behind us and moved away. Everyone was staring at him, all the way across the front end of the store and all the people in Customer Service, glaring at me with those eyes...'control your kid, he's a bad kid, you're a bad mom' Autism parents, you know what I mean. When I could actually hear something other than the screaming, I heard mumblings of others saying to each other, loud enough so they knew I could hear, that they couldn't hear each other talk.
We finished checking out, I didn't say anything to those people. I have before but the other kids were too upset and I was so worried about Bradley hurting himself and the other kids. The girls were crying because he kept hurting them. I have scratch marks from his nails all over my arms and neck. He was kicking and hitting me and he bit me.
He still hasn't stopped screaming American Flag when we leave. I get him in the car, carefully because I know he'll run off into the busy parking lot if given an opportunity. He is still upset about that flag when we get home, the meltdown continued for another hour. I must admit, I appreciate his patriotism and loyalty to the American Flag but would prefer him to channel it another way.
I got them in the car, drove home and made dinner. I just keep going but I'm sad. I was so hopeful that I could take them out and have fun and it isn't possible. He can not handle it. I'm sure there are people that will read this and think that he is a brat and was just crying because of the flag. That's fine, then they don't get it, just like all those people staring at us at the store.
This isn't new, just another trip out but the worst public meltdown in a while. I'm disappointed. I was hoping it would be better. Different. Better. Successful. I'd waited months to try again. It will be months before I make another attempt. I lost a battle today but not the war. I'll keep fighting the war because I know someday we'll have a successful trip.
It's about the war, not the battles in the life of Autism. As parents, we may lose daily battles but our commitment and love for our kids keeps us fighting. I won't quit, I'll get brave and try again but not for a while. I know he can't handle it, yet. Yet.
well said, and let me say you are one brave mama :)
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is 11 now and diagnosed with Autism when she was 33 months old (mild functioning). I can absolutely relate to this story! When she was 5 I went to the store with her. In the infants department there was a display of childrens music CD's. You could push the button and there were samples of the music on the CD. She started pushing the buttons and loved it. When I tried to walk away she started screaming "MUSIC!" I offered to buy a CD. She did not want the CD she wanted the display. I asked my sister (she was 17 at the time) to stand there with her while I did the rest of the shopping. I walked as quickly as I could only grabbing what I absolutely needed. I heard my daughter screaming "MOMMY" from the back of the store. My sister brought her to me and she started screaming "MUSIC". She climbed up my body and got on my shoulders screaming "music" and pulling my hair. We went straight to the check out. Once there I offered her a sucker and she kept crying and screaming for "music". There was no talking her out of it. I took her down from my shoulders so that I could put the groceries on the belt and she threw herself on the floor and rolled around screaming for music. The Cashier manager came over and asked if she should call the police. People were talking and pointing. My sister took her out to the car (my daughter threw herself on the ground and pulled her hair on the way out). I finally finished paying for the groceries and got to the car. She was still crying and screaming. I got the groceries loaded and sat in the drivers seat and cried a little. When I started to cry she calmed down and said, " Sucker?" I just started laughing. She was asleep by the time we got home. I wish I could say that it's better now but it's like we trade in one issue for another. Now she can go to the store (but she hates it). However, giving her a shower is like WWIII. I love my daughter more than anything else in this world but I understand the frustration. We just keep doing what we do because we have to do it. My favorite saying is that everything in life worth doing is hard. She is hard but she is so worth it. I know you understand that.
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