Dear Autism,

I never suspected that you and I would have a relationship. I never thought I would know you so well. No matter how well I know you, you always surprise me. Sometimes it's a bad surprise, a good punch in the gut. And other times, the surprise is nothing short of a miracle.

Every time I think I have you figured out, when I think I have a good strategy in place, just when I think I know what to expect, you change your game without any notice. I can never be comfortable in your presence.

You don't play fair. You are known for throwing curve balls. There are no rules playing with you. I can never be totally comfortable because I know you are there. I never really know what's up or what to expect. I try to be as ready as I can. I always have to have my game face on.

I appreciate the good qualities that you have brought. I do not appreciate the bad ones and I get angry at you for making things so difficult for my family. There are many times when things that should be easy and simple are horrible and difficult because of you. You have made the smallest things at times impossible. On the other hand, you have made me appreciate the small things and celebrate the tiny successes because I now know that they can be the most joyous.

As you know, over the past two years our relationship changes by the minute. Sometimes I'm mad at you, sometimes I absolutely despise you, sometimes I accept your uninvited presence, and sometimes I actually even like you.

I understand that my feelings on this will continue to change and cycle just as everything here does. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions with you. You have brought me to tears in an instant, broken my heart, made me the happiest and the saddest person on the planet, all at the same time.

There will always be good days and bad days. I will never be able to trust you since you are so unpredictable. Our relationship will probably always change day to day. However, I am sure we will never be besties.

From,
Mommy

(originally published 12/10/12 on my former blog, SuperMom wears Autism Goggles/Team Bradley)